It’s Probably A Quarter Life Crisis
I didn’t even realize this was what I was going through when on the brink of 34 I felt a deep restlessness. This unsettled feeling that I needed to do more with my life. I was close to finishing my training to be a Family Physician, I loved my job; I already knew once I completed my training I would restart my first love; writing. But it wasn’t just about my career; I could feel it was something more, so I did what I normally do when I don’t have answers to a burning question I went and took a nap hoping to wake with inspiration. Over the coming weeks, my restlessness grew slowly becoming a deep frustration and a burning desire to go and find myself; I thought; not again!
I picked up my notebook and started taking stock of my life, perhaps if I could see where I was at then maybe I could answer what this restlessness was about. Thereby knowing where I had to go.
Down a Rabbit Hole
On the page of my notebook I had words such as not rich, need to finish writing book, unmarried, living with family, and crap Uk weather! I was starting to feel even lower in my mood the further I dug into what this strange feeling deep within might be. Was this emotion dissatisfaction with my life? Surely not? If I compared where I was now to 25 for instance I had accomplished so much in my career and my personal growth. I looked down at the page with words written in my pink pen, I circled unmarried and added no children. This felt like my biggest failure, every day I saw the sadness in my mother’s eyes about my perpetual state of singlehood. I could hear our most recent conversation “What’s wrong with him? So what if he might be gay you can turn him straight!” No mum I really can’t; yes I have self-belief but not to this extent. But that nagging voice within replied, yes and no. Yes, I desire to have my own family and feel that love that I knew I deserved. But I also knew it wasn’t as simple as that, there was an unexplainable yearning to transform into the butterfly I was inside, that woman I desperately wanted to be.
I finally caved in and hit google.
It’s A Quarter Life Crisis
It took most of my morning but I found more and more women particularly, in their thirties experiencing this phenomenon I was describing. The common features included
- Desire to change one’s life dramatically
- Feeling lost, out of funk so to speak!
- A sense that you haven’t embraced fully the greatness within you
- Of course, being 30 or above!
I identified with all the above. I was officially having a quarter-life crisis. Horary! One more to add to the bucket of millennial woes. I knew there was so much inside that I was either afraid to let rise to the surface or just wasn’t sure how. My biggest was the need to write, with studying and exams and one unfulfilling dating experience to the next I was always too tired to write. Forever making excuses not to finish any of my projects. I couldn’t risk another failure when I felt I had so many already to deal with. I also knew I needed to flee the nest, as a homebody I never veered far from family. They were my everything, they were also keeping me stuck; holding onto them was ensuring I wouldn’t grow beyond this point. I was too afraid of the alternative; imagined loneliness, having to make new friends and socialize! I was breaking out in hives just contemplating the later; what would I talk about? Was I cool enough? So not only do I need to date, but I also need to make friends! I was exhausted and my mind just wasn’t ready.
But I knew with my recent know thyself work that procrastination was my go-to shield against anything that rocked my comfort zone. I pushed through and made notes on the questions I needed to explore more deeply. Questions and emotions that my now realized quarter-life crisis had brought to light,
- How do I achieve my purpose?
- Why do I feel unworthy of love and continue to make bad decisions?
- How do I reframe these negative narratives?
- I know I have greatness within me but how do I start believing this?
I won’t lie, it was tough; to be this honest with myself. To realize that the journey to self was a continuous process and I had only just scratched the surface. My search and deeper exploration of my quarter-life crisis ended with my retreat at St Bueno’s. I finally was able to accept what my soul needed; for me to start writing and to go on a solo adventure. I was terrified but filled with joy and knowing that this was necessary not only for growth but for my healing.
You might be wondering ok great I know it’s a quarter-life crisis but what do I do! I don’t write and I am not keen on traveling; well I can’t do that right now. That’s ok the tips below can help you figure out what your quarter-life crisis is trying to bring to the surface.