Was 2020 the year you hoped to find love? Were you ready to get socialising, travelling, and living your best life?
But now all seems lost. Should you get back on online dating or even get reacquainted with past flames? And is during a pandemic even a good time?
Relationships are important for our well-being, it’s perfectly natural particularly right now to be anxious about how to achieve this goal if that had been your aim. I know exactly how you feel, being single held so many positives before lockdowns such as travelling when you wanted, and being utterly selfish with your time and money. Then the unthinkable happened, we were all shut indoors. Being single or living alone now became a risk to one’s mental health; with nowhere to go if you were not an essential worker and for some no one to call.
Being Single in Lockdown
The mind does what it does best, it panics, “what if the world ends and I am alone?” “What if this lockdown goes on and I remain alone?” There is nothing the mind hates more than uncertainty and lack of control. During these times we, unfortunately, have had a plentiful supply of both. So the mind seeks for an immediate solution; yep, you got it online dating! So you create your account or reactivated it; Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, and who knows? So many options! Let’s be real here, there’s nothing to be ashamed of, we call this being human. And you start the daily grind of trying to sniff through the momentous nonsense on there. How do I know because I am human too. But worse than realising that many people are just as terrified as you are, you realise that you still have some healing to do.
The frustration kicks in because yes you felt alone but no you want more than digital nudes and unimaginative sexting. The guy who looked cute and nice doesnt send you a reply, you strike up a conversation with another that seemed sane only to find out he’s still angry about his ex.
Stop. That little voice, did you hear it or maybe you pushed it down, perhaps there was a time when you felt your hard luck was down to being a black woman on these very white dating sites. But you persist and you pray that just one reasonable connection will come through. I mean, how the heck else are you meant to meet someone? You’re frustrated and angry and the anger then turns into self-pity, opening old wounds; it’s not only because “I’m a black woman” “it’s because I don’t look a certain way” or “I’m not thin enough” and on the mind goes.
So what do I do? You ask yourself. Deep down you know that fear brought you on to these sites, it got your mind whirling out of control with all the doomsday possibilities. But you want better for yourself, you know you deserve better for yourself. And you do and can have better.
It’s Time to Cleanse The Mind!
First thing first, if there is anything the current experience you are or have gone through should have highlighted is that you must start with YOU then work outward towards a relationship. And there is no more perfect a time than right now when you have the time to commit to the final leg of all that self-development you started doing. Or no problem if you’re just starting your journey it doesn’t matter, the key is to realise that success in our personal lives begins with success in our personal growth and development.
This is what will ensure that if you do decide to get back onto online dating the frustration won’t occur but instead, quiet calm and knowing will replace this. I know you’re thinking it’s impossible, being single right now will never be ok! Trust me you can decide how to feel, how to interpret and deal with the current reality.
It’s ok, you swore you would never go back onto online dating and you did. Or you swore you wouldn’t text your ex but you did. Right now most of us have been anxious about our jobs, safety, and finding romantic connections. When you act from a place of lack we all do things we later question if it was what we wanted to do or felt forced by our minds to do.
Recognise this fear and anxiety call it out so that the next evening you perhaps feel lonely you will call a friend or watch a movie rather than texting the ex you know full well isn’t any good for your health.
These will creep in even when you think you had long been rid of them. Especially if you are on dating sites, the illusion of choice and ease of disposal promotes a “I know I can’t get everything I want so I will keep swiping” mentality. Or well I want a serious relationship but everything here is casual so I’ll just pass time for now. What all these translates to is “I don’t believe I can get what I deserve.” And you’ve harboured all the negative thoughts about reasons you are still single.
Most of these negative narratives are not real, you do not need to be perfect to be loved. You do not need to have a million dollars before you start dating or look for love. Can we all be better? of course, we can and you should never stop growing whilst looking for your life partner.
So put aside these negative narratives and know you are enough as you are today and there is someone who thinks that you are exactly their cup of tea and even worth dating during pandemic!
Whatever you do, don’t date because you want to be reassured that you are still attractive and you can get someone. The moment you date from that insecure mindset you attract exactly that, insecure people who looking for external validation.
Know that you were beautifully created. Reaffirm yourself now! Not tomorrow, not next week, right now!
Rejection will likely happen at some point if you are seeking a relationship. Unless you are Victoria’s Secret model or Thor, there’ll be one person who you’re not their type and it may have nothing to do with your physical appearance. You need to have a high level of self-esteem to know the words to recite here are simply – “Thank you next!”
Do not stop to ask why they don’t want you. Have it at the back of your mind that you are just not compatible and there doesn’t need to be a reason or a thesis written in your mind about it. If your self-esteem is low then dating will only highlight this and things may get worse if you bump into a narcissist. So if you struggle with your self-esteem, work on this before you get back to dating.
If you are dating with purpose, then it’s important to know what your core values are. Knowing these clearly will help you move on from that hot guy or girl who doesn’t have any of these core values you want.
It’s an excellent weeding out method, for instance, perhaps religion is important to you or keeping fit. Know what your core values are and when dating ask questions to know theirs.
Is it marriage or something casual? I say this because often we don’t know what it is we want. When you’re not clear about this then the universe will give you anything and I mean anything!
So be honest with yourself if you want marriage, own it, and trust that what is yours is yours. So long as you refuse to acknowledge what you want, you’ll simply get more of what you don’t want.
Prepare your mind that the process may take longer than previously before our world changed. So if you’re ‘thirsty’ so to speak then go and focus on rehydrating yourself with water! Dating isn’t the answer and will only leave you worse than you started.
“Are my expectations realistic?” Are you still holding out to date “Jesus” who has swag? I’m sorry to tell you but he doesn’t exist. Or are you looking to be one half of a power couple off the back because your credit score is 900 and you don’t have time for less? Again that’s fabulous but is it realistic in terms of the potential partners you attract? Although finances are important are you focusing on this above other worthwhile qualities?
It’s easier to profess daily that we are too amazing for the crap out there when in fact yes, you are amazing but perhaps you need to realise that your partner will be perfect for you but not a perfect human being. And if you look closer you‘ll see that you may have a 900 credit score but you could do with being perhaps more open-minded or less rigid in your expectations.
Look back at your most recent dates or relationships, what could you learn from them? For instance, did you say with confidence what your needs were? Were you too needy or perhaps even too aloof?
It takes two to make a relationship, just as they could have been better perhaps you had your faults that you could learn from.
The biggest lesson I’ve learnt is to not project my fantasy of what finding my husband will feel like onto every potential man I meet. And so now I begin at the default of I am here to see if we can be friends and then above all I am connecting positively with another human being!
You need to believe this before getting back into it. If you think it’s a chore it will show in your interactions. If you think there are no good men or women for you out there you won’t find any.
Dating should be and is fun when you think of it. You simply meet up with a new person and have a great conversation.
This is an opportunity to get prepared mentally, physically, and spiritually to get back into dating during this crazy time. Strength, patience, and resolve have never been more necessary than right now in all aspects of our lives. So take the time and set yourself up for success in your dating life during and after pandemic.
Are you actively seeking to date during this period? What are you doing and how are you going about it? Did you find love during pandemic? Share your story with me in the comment section. You’ll be encouraging others.
Being assertive is critical to healthy relationships and living a stress-free life. I have said that assertiveness lies in the healthy middle between passivity and aggression. So, it is possible to be assertive without being aggressive.
Being assertive is critical to healthy relationships and living a stress-free life. I have said that assertiveness lies in the healthy middle between passivity and aggression. So, it is possible to be assertive without being aggressive.
Oh, the beauty of a life lived beyond the shores of fear. If there’s one thing I’ve always chanted to myself is to never live in fear. I know you’ve been scared of a lot of things in life. Many people have and I know that’s why you’re reading this
One battle many women (including black women) fight during holiday seasons or holidays like this is how to stay motivated. The holiday season is a great time to which we all look forward. But let’s face it, holidays aren’t only rosy and jolly. They come with their fair share of work and distractions.
3 thoughts on “Dating During Pandemic? Here’s How to Get Only the Best”
Very good post! We are linking to this particularly great content on our site. Keep up the great writing. Tierney Swen Corsetti
Thank you, Bahis. Glad you find it helpful
Hi Tierney
So glad you enjoyed this and thank you for the link.
I hope you are keeping well
Lots of love
Dr Jessica